If you'd have told me 10 years ago I'd end up married to a wrestler named Cody Rhodes I'd have laughed and said "I don't date famous folks". And here we are. Good golly. Love is a crazy thing. It's everything. It's part of your core and who you are, when it's right. I'm struggling watching my mother-in-law grieve over the loss of her husband. I cannot imagine it. I don't think I'm nearly as strong as she is. She marches on in great strides. She's there for her kids. She takes time to do thoughtful things for me. She's a super woman.
And then there's me. I'm strong but I'm angry. Something has my soul by the balls. In fact the only thing that eases my Incredible Hulk-like anger in times like this is my husbands gentle soul. His eyes give me everything I need. His embrace makes me curl up like a child. And just like my dad, he is patient with me.
Lately I've had many thoughts swirling around my mind. As a child I never knew my grandfathers on either side. Now, if we have a child, he or she will never know Dusty. And thats hard. I always wished I knew my grandpas. So, when and what is appropriate? I have a timeline in mind but I'm scared of a million things. I'm scared I'm not parent material. I'm scared a child won't like me, though if Colby-Jack is any indication...I am the greatest mother EVER. I can discipline Colby and then moments later he is vying for my affection and approval. And then there's the dilemma of what I imagine versus reality. I imagine a little girl. She's smart and likes ALL of the things I like. She's confident and has fashion sense early on. She has a love for academics, selects the right friends, loves Jesus and her daddy only until she's at least 25 😉. She's into gymnastics and gets scholarships to college.
My imagination of her is overzealous. However, that all goes to heck if she ends up being a he. And then there's always the possibility that we adopt. That brings up a whole slew of other possibilities.
When it comes to my idea of cool modern families I have two very different folks I look to:
The Gaines Family. Chip and Joanna Gaines of HGTV's Fixer Upper. If you've never watched that show you need to fix that. It's about a husband and wife home design and remodel team. They seem to have so much fun together, they remind me of Cody and Myself BUT...they have 4 kids!! And they have fun with their kids. And their kids seem to respect them and appreciate them. And in the midst of it all this family kicks ass because they have taken the design world by storm and are KILLING IT.
Then there's the Van Dyke family. Our friends Zach and Kelly from Florida. Zach is a pastor at our former church there and Kelly is a stay at home mom, and when I say Kelly is gorgeous...I'm not exaggerating in the slightest and that is NOT a compliment I throw around ever. (I was an insecure teen, some stuff you hold onto passive aggressively). They also have 4 kids! If you ever meet this woman you'll question that...#familyof6 as Zach often instagrams. And we have spent time with this family. Those kids make parenting look easy. First of all they are all just dolls...their older daughter Alice may as well be a child model. But they LOVE their parents and respect them. No means no and it's seldom repeated. The kids help each other and entertain themselves. They are just fantastic to be around.
Where am I going? Nowhere, simply rambling around the thoughts in my head and sharing my insecurities about future and family. We will get there one day I think. But I have no idea what the future holds. Leaving it up to the man upstairs.